How to Talk Your Child Out Of Another Temper Tantrum

boy sulking by the window

Does your child stress you out at home and make you feel like you have no real control?

Loving your child doesn’t mean always giving in. Neither does it means being a tyrant. There’s an easier way to love yet still maintain control in the house.

As teachers in a childcare centre, let us share with you our secret of controlling an entire class of young children.

One of the common concerns shared with us by most parents is…

“I don't know how to manage my child.”

Most parents are working adults, even the parents who work from home, are constantly juggling between their responsibilities to their jobs, their obligations to the family, while trying to connect or have a relationship with their child.

The truth is... interacting with a child is never easy. They are unpredictable, and when conflict arises, they can be unreasonable as well.

Here's an experience from one of our parents, trying to manage their child's behaviour...

A Rapid Change in Personality

Kieran (not his real name) is a 5-year-old boy who is not only independent but also responsible toward his environment and friends. He follows the class routine, rules well, and is always sharing positive interaction with his teachers and friends.

You can always trust him to lead group discussions and share his ideas and thoughts to inspire his other classmates.

To most people, he sounds like the perfect child. But his mother feels otherwise.

Because back home, it is a different story. He quickly becomes a handful, refusing to listening to her instructions, pushing the boundaries, and sometimes hurling some nasty words to her and his brother.

Worse... because of his outspoken nature, his mother feels like he is in control of the household. He's always making decisions on family activities and insisting on having the family eat only the food he likes.

He may be afraid of his father, but due to his father's travelling schedule, whenever he's away, his mother feels it is difficult to gain back control.

The thing is... ignoring him or scolding him might lead to another episode of his temper tantrum.

This is certainly not something either of his parents enjoy putting up with. Especially when they're in public. So, they find themselves submitting to his many requests and letting him have his way.

(NOTE: Want to learn how you can be an effective parent for your child? Come down for our Connected Parents workshop preview and discover more about yourself and your child. Learn more here.)

Does this Situation Sound Depressingly Familiar?

Before we start to judge either Kieran or his mother, let's first stop to think why he behaves so differently in school and at home.

Because by understanding the cause behind his behaviour and examining closely the relationship he has with his mother, we can begin to guide him properly.

And help develop their relationship to become similar to the one he has with his friends and teachers.

Why Do Children Misbehave at Home

Child psychiatrist and educator, Rudolf Dreikurs, explained in his article that young children assume their misbehaviour will help them gain social status.

Often, these young children feel they’re not getting the recognition (through ATTENTION) they deserved. And we have to be very mindful that their perspective of the world at this point, is very different from ours.

They’re still gaining life experiences to form and develop their understanding of the world. This is why, many of them choose to throw a tantrum. It's their way of communication and the fastest way for them to gain attention (whether positive or negative) from us.

Remember, their idea of recognition is vastly different from ours.

Think about this...

When a young child receives praise for solving a simple puzzle, they feel excited to receive the attention from their parents. To continue to receive this level of attention they may resort to doing other things.

Things they thought would get their parents approval. Yet it often falls short. So, they start doing even bolder actions hoping their parents will begin to notice.

And when these actions fail, they’ll resort to moving to the next stage. According to Dreikurs, there are four main goals for misbehaviour:

  1. Attention
  2. Power & Control
  3. Revenge
  4. Inadequacy

We're not going to dive too deep into this topic today, instead we want to focus your attention on...

(NOTE: Want to learn how you can be an effective parent for your child? Come down for our Connected Parents workshop preview and discover more about yourself and your child. Learn more here.)

The Best Way to “Fix” Your Child’s Temperament

Here’s the challenge then for parents of toddlers and even older children… some of these behaviours have been set in stone for a long time. And trying to “repair the damage” is often difficult by this stage.

If this sounds like a situation you’re facing or you don’t ever want to run into…

Let’s break a common yet dangerous myth first…

While your child may be misbehaving at home or in public, you must realise that there is nothing wrong with your child.

This is important as many parents feel they need to “fix” their kid. When there is really nothing that needs fixing.

Why nothing to fix?

Because each child is unique. The experiences they’ve gathered over their few years has already begun to form their unique personality.

How they express this personality can also be different through the examples they see around them. Through their interactions with the world and the people in their lives.

Unfortunately, some parents try to force their child to become a replica of someone else. Someone their child can never be. This causes the poor kid to rebel, to feel disconnected, and to throw tantrums.

Instead of feeling supported, they feel alone. Instead of feeling love, they feel animosity. Instead of experiencing joy, they feel resentment.

For example...

She's Constantly Feeling Trapped and Misunderstood

We have a 3-year-old girl, Jamie (not her real name) who loves to explore and investigate things. She loves using her different sense to make meaning of the world.

Her favourite activity is to be outdoors and enjoy nature, to climb and run, and to use her body to experience new things.

Her parents are naturally worried and anxious of the dangers she surrounds herself with when she's outdoors. They fear she might hurt herself physically. Or get traumatised from her failures or negative experiences.

This clash of perspectives, preferences, and personalities resulted in her parents preventing Jamie from experiencing a variety of opportunities. Making her feel frustrated and expressing her frustration through extreme actions or loud tantrums.

That’s why as parents, we need to learn to reach out to our children. Being there for them and getting them to open up to us. To share their difficulties and let them feel love and support.

To feel connected!

Especially from a young age.

Register for Connected Parents Workshop

Interested to learn more about your child's and your personality? Find out when's our next Connected Parents workshop preview here. During this free session, our invited trainer will share with you a couple of tips and tricks to instantly improve your relationship with your child.

The 1 Critical Action to Improve Your Relationship With Your Child

To improve anything, you first need to identify the gap.

You need to identify what you have, where you want to go, then find out what’s missing that’s stopping you from getting there. It’s the same process, whether you’re trying to get a promotion, or to fix a cabinet at home.

Likewise, to improve your relationship with your child, you first need to identify your personality, find out what your child’s personality is, then uncover the difference between the two of you. (You can only connect and better the relationship with your child if you understand each other's personalities)

The good news is, once you do, you can positively influence your child’s personality, their growth factors, and provide many opportunities for their development.

Each family has a different upbringing method and different dynamics. What is important to find is the right parenting style that not only matches your personality but is effective for your child's personality too.

There are many parenting tips and styles that you can read from magazines, articles, and the internet. However, knowing which method is most suitable for your family depends on your different personalities and the relationship you have with your child.

The good news is, once you do, you can positively influence your child’s personality, their growth factors, and provide many opportunities for their development.

An effective parent therefore, understands first and foremost that their child is different from others. And how they respond to these differences becomes the key to a successful relationship.

Here’s why…

Personality coaches have discovered there are as many as nine different personality types. Each with their own strengths and weaknesses.

Some of these personality types complement each other, while others oppose each other. So, problems naturally arise when a parent and child’s type belong to the latter.

That’s why here in our centre, we encourage all our parents to take some time to learn and discover more about themselves. Who they are, their personality, and learn how to become a true guide and role model for their children.

(NOTE: Want to learn how you can be an effective parent for your child? Come down for our Connected Parents workshop preview and discover more about yourself and your child. Learn more here.)

Always Take a Deep Breath

It’s natural to feel frustrated with your kid. It’s common to feel like you can’t control them at home. And it’s definitely understandable if you lose your cool once in a while.

However, the next time your child is throwing a tantrum, take a deep breath and reflect on the situation that led up to this little display of attention.

Consider your personality type and your child’s while trying to put yourself in their shoes.

You’ll be surprised at how much easier it is to control your own temper and help them calm down.

We should know…

We have to calm 20-30 of them at the same time in our centres. On a daily basis.

Register for Connected Parents Workshop

Interested to learn more about your child's and your personality? Find out when's our next Connected Parents workshop preview here. During this free session, our invited trainer will share with you a couple of tips and tricks to instantly improve your relationship with your child.

  1. Denise on 11/07/2017 at 12:35 pm

    Hi ,

    How much is the workshop?

    Denise

    • Yani on 11/07/2017 at 12:54 pm

      Hi Denise,
      The preview of the workshop is free.

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